The Snake Mystery Chronicles
by SamandMax
Summary: A trilogy of mysteries with Snake solving cases, and uncovering a sinsiter conspiracy while making disturbingly funny remarks!
1. Act I: Enemas are Forever

The Snake Mystery Chronicles  
  
  
The Case of the Enema Alley  
  
  
Snake- Let me tell you about the time I went through time. It all started on Muesday, a day I made up between Monday and Tuesday. I was walking home from a Michael Bolton concert when I find this strange alleyway that's glowing. I walk inside, because I've always wanted to know what the inside of a glowing alley looked like. Before I knew it, a guy that looked like Chuck Norris pushed me into a giant vortex in the wall. After a few minutes, I woke up in a dumpster wearing nothing but a pimp outfit. I got up and everyone that was walking by were wearing 70's clothes and listening to strange 70's music...  
  
Otacon- Snake, shut up, this story isn't true.   
  
Snake- Sure it is.  
  
Otacon- No. It isn't.   
  
Snake- Ok, then explain what really happened?  
  
Otacon- Well, I was stalking you because I knew you were going to go to the cops about my illegal pineapple smuggling ring. I was about to stab you in the back, when all of a sudden you run into an alley. It was only glowing because the huge neon sign for the Enema Clinic was lighting it up. Chuck Norris, who for some reason was walking out of the Enema Clinic, pushed you into a wall and you were knocked out. He then picked you up, put you in a pimp costume, and threw you in a dumpster. All the people you saw walking by were just heading down to the 70's reunion convention. See, it all makes perfect sense.  
  
Snake- Yeah, I guess that's what happened. That damn Enema Clinic's always causing me problems, I really have to stay away from it.  
  
Colonel- Wait, Snake. You and Otacon are both wrong.   
  
Snake- What?  
  
Colonel- I know what truly happened that night. You see, I was busy walking around town that night dressed up as a girl, I won't tell you why I was dressed up like that, but I'll just say it has something to do with 8 tubs of beer and a truth and dare game gone horribly wrong. Anyway, I was heading to the Enema Clinic for an enema. As I was about to enter, I see Snake, obviously drunk, stumble into the alleyway. I saw Otacon put on a fake Chuck Norris mask, and walk out of the Enema Clinic. Otacon then grabbed Snake and began to bash Snake's head against the wall in an effort to kill him, and save his illegal pineapple smuggling ring. Luckily, I managed to stop Otacon by throwing my purse at him. Otacon screamed in horror at seeing me in my dress, so he ran away crying. I grabbed Snake, put him in a pimp outfit so Otacon wouldn't recognize him, and then threw him in the best hiding location I could find: a dumpster. Then, I had to hurry so I could go and catch the 70's reunion convention.  
  
Otacon- Well, that's obviously not true. I didn't put on a Chuck Norris mask, I was following Snake.  
  
Snake- If you didn't...who did?  
  
  
  
Can you solve the mystery of who attacked Snake in the alleyway? Stay tuned next time for the thrilling conclusion! 


	2. Act II: The Chuck Norris Connection

Act II- The Chuck Norris Connectiom  
  
  
  
Snake- Well...looks like this mystery will never be solved...Wait, I'm remembering something...I remember...someone watching me...a shadowy figure...but who?  
  
Raiden- Snake, wait!  
  
Snake- Raiden, what the hell are you doing here? I thought you were in Easter Island trying to steal those giant head statues.  
  
Raiden- No, I came back when I realized how large the statues are. I'm here to help you solve the mystery. I know what happened after you got out of the dumpster!  
  
Snake- Really? What happened, I don't remember.  
  
Raiden- Well...you got out of the dumpster and walked onto the street. Before I knew it, two men wearing Chuck Norris masks walk up behind you, and begin beating you up with these strange purple bats. I didn't want them to stop horribly beating you, so I stood in the shadows and watched.  
  
Snake- So you were that mysterious figure!  
  
Raiden- Yes, but wait! There's more. While you laid there, bleeding heavily on the ground, I walked over and found this on the ground. It's a matchbook, for a movie theatre.  
  
Snake- Hmmm...I think I'd better pay them a visit.  
  
  
The Dancing Hippo Theatre 9:21 A.M.  
  
  
Snake- I'm Snake. I'm here to ask some questions.  
  
Owner- Ask away.  
  
Snake- Do you know Chuck Norris, or a man who has a Chuck Norris mask?  
  
Owner- Hmmm...Well, I did see the movie Sidekicks, that had Chuck Norris in it. It blew horribly though.  
  
Snake- You don't know him personally though?  
  
Owner- Well...I got a note from his studio company about a week ago, he's making a movie called "Dune Buggie Bandits" and he wanted to know if my theatre would show it. I told him no, who'd pay to see a Chuck Norris movie.  
  
Snake- I would.  
  
Owner- Well, then you're an idiot.  
  
Snake- Thanks.  
  
Owner- Ummm...ok.  
  
  
Enema Clinic 9:22 A.M.  
  
  
Snake- With nothing left to lose, I decided to investigate the enema clinic for some clues.  
  
Doctor- Who are you talking to?  
  
Snake- The audience.  
  
Doctor- What audience?  
  
Snake- Never mind. I need to ask some questions.  
  
Doctor- Ok, but hurry up. I have to give an enema to Mr. T in a few minutes.   
  
Snake- Last Muesday, I was attacked in the alley outside this place. Did you notice anyone suspcious here? Someone like Chuck Norris.  
  
Doctor- Hmmm...let me see...Chuck Norris wasn't here, I'd remember him because he's distinctly ugly. Muesday was a pretty busy night, I can't remember many clients that night. But Frisday, now that was a slow night.  
  
Snake- Do you have the list of people that were here on Muesday?  
  
Doctor- Sure, I'll go get it for you. I keep it locked up in a gigantic sock.  
  
  
Mueday Guest Lists  
  
Otacon 6:30 P.M.  
Revolver Ocelot 7:15 P.M.  
Otacon 8:00 P.M.  
Bill Cosby 9:00 P.M.  
ALF 9:45 P.M.  
Biggie Bandit 10:15 P.M.  
Dustin Diamond 10:35 P.M.  
Otacon 11:00 P.M.  
Colonel 11:02 P.M.  
  
  
Snake- Thank you sir, this is very helpful.  
  
Doctor- No problem. Here, have an enema bag. It's on the house.  
  
Snake- Oh by the way, Are you sure Chuck Norris wasn't here? I mean, he might have used a fake name.  
  
Doctor- Well, many celebrities do come here, and they always use fake names. But Chuck is a regular customer, I'd recognize him if he stopped by.  
  
Snake- Ok, thanks.  
  
  
Colonel's House 1:02 P.M.  
  
  
Snake- Okay Colonel, I need some new info.  
  
Colonel- Ok, what do you need.  
  
Snake- You were at the Enema Clinic at 11:02, right?  
  
Colonel- Yeah, around there.  
  
Snake- That's about the same time I was attacked. I need to now, did you see anyone suspicous inside the clinic.  
  
Colonel- Nothing noticeable, no.  
  
Snake- How long were you there for?  
  
Colonel- Let's see. I arrived at about 10:30, just as someone was leaving.  
  
Snake- Did you see who was leaving?  
  
Colonel- No, I didn't get a good look.  
  
Snake- While you were in the clinic, did you notice something unusual?  
  
Colonel- Yes, I did. While I was reading the newspaper, they talked about Burt Reynold's new movie. It really made me mad, because, I hate the guy. They said his new movie's about robbers or something, probaly just another Smokie and the Bandits rip-off....Wait!  
  
Snake- What?  
  
Colonel- I remember something. While I was waiting in the waiting room...I saw Dustin Diamond enter the bathroom. I don't think he came out!  
  
Snake- Wait...Dustin Diamon...is that Screech from Saved by the Bell?  
  
Colonel- Yes!  
  
Snake- Let's roll!  
  
  
Enema Clinic Bathroom, 2: 08 P.M.  
  
  
Snake- Hmmm...Let's look for any clues...  
  
Colonel- Ok.  
  
Snake- You check the stalls, I check the garbage.  
  
Colonel- Got ya.  
  
Snake- Doo dee doo doo. Nothing in this garbage can but garbage. Who would've thought that.  
  
Colonel- Yeah, the stalls are emp- OH MY GOD!  
  
Snake- What?  
  
Colonel- I FOUND SCREECH'S BODY! HE'S DEAD!  
  
Snake- Let me see...Well, it looks like the die he way he lived. Sitting on the toilet.  
  
Colonel- What should we do.  
  
Snake- Well, since there's a large knife in his back, I think he was murdered. Let's search him, he must has something to do with this case.  
  
Colonel- Hmmm...look at this! It's a napkin.  
  
Snake- A napkin for a movie studio! I bet Screech was working there!  
  
Colonel- Let's go stop by.  
  
  
  
  
To be Continued....  
  
  
Next time: Act III: Saved by the Hell Bell 


	3. Act III: Saved by the Hell Bell

Act III: Saved by the Hell Bell  
  
  
Diamaco Movie Studios 8:33 P.M.  
  
  
Snake- Ok Colonel, you go check out the movies being filmed. Find out which one Dustin Diamond was appearing in. I'm going to go talk to Arnie Sinclaire, the owner of this place.  
  
Colonel- Ok, we can meet back here at 9:00.  
  
  
Sinclaire's Office 8:38 P.M.  
  
  
Snake- Hello Mr. Sinclaire, I'm Snake. I'm here to ask some questions.  
  
Arnie- Well...ok.  
  
Snake- On the night of Muesday the 3rd, I need to know if an actor named Dustin Diamond was here?  
  
Arnie- Of course, he's filming a movie here.  
  
Snake- And which movie is that?  
  
Arnie- I'm not sure actually. I always see Dustin, but I never ask him which film he's in. I hate the guy, Saved by the Bell sucked and Screech annoyed the hell out of me. But, I can go check the books and find out where he worked...Hey, the books are gone! Someone stole my books! Now I can't tell what any of the actors are filming.  
  
Snake- Damn. I bet the murderer stole it.  
  
Arnie- What murderer?  
  
Snake- Uh...nothing. Anyway, do you know what movies are currently being filmed in the studio?  
  
Arnie- Let me see...yeah, I still have the schedule. Here you go.  
  
  
  
Film  
-------  
Dr. Machiko's Wild Ride - Studio 8  
Horrorland- Studio 16  
Jaws 9: Jaws Jr. - Studio 9  
Moogilla - Studio 3  
Horse Radish 2 - Studio 2  
Dune Buggie Bandits - Studi 4  
Saved by the Bell: The Movie - Studio 15  
Pepsi Presents: Citizen Kane 2 - Studio 20  
  
  
Snake- A Saved by the Bell movie? Dustin must've been there!  
  
  
  
Studio 15, 8:47 P.M.  
  
  
Snake- Hello, is anybody here?  
  
Shadowy Figure- You must leave immediately!  
  
Snake- W-Who are you?  
  
Shadowy Figure- That does not matter. I'm here to warn you. You were attacked in that alleway beacause two men want you dead, and they won't stop trying to kill you until you are dead.   
  
Snake- Who? Who's trying to kill me? And why?  
  
Shadowy Figure- I cannot tell you. But I can tell you this, the answer lies in the past.  
  
Snake- What the hell kind of clue is that? Are you stupid or something, give me a better clue.  
  
Shadowy Figure- sigh Ok...Snake, you must look into your past to solve the future.  
  
Snake- Dumb the clue down a little more.  
  
Shadowy Figure- Something you did in the past, is resulting this to happen.  
  
Snake- Simplify a little more.  
  
Shadowy Figure- DAMN, SNAKE, IT'S BECAUSE YOU MADE THE METAL GEAR MOVIE! LOOK INTO THAT!  
  
Snake- Thanks Shadowy Figure.  
  
Shadowy Figure- Now leave. There's nothing here for you...yet.  
  
  
Snake's Apartment, 10:31 P.M.  
  
  
Snake- What did you find out back there Colonel?  
  
Colonel- It seems our good pal Dustin Diamond's working on two movies. The Saved by the Bell one, and another one that no knows.  
  
Snake- Well, that doesn't matter know. We have to look into this new Metal Gear Movie lead. Who'd want to kill me because of it?  
  
Colonel- I don't know Snake, it was such a good movie. The whole time machine and pushing Hitler thing, it was genius.  
  
Snake- Maybe it has something to do with the sequel?  
  
Colonel- That one was even better! The transforming elephant, the land driving submarine, the nerf gun battle, everyone loved that movie.  
  
Snake- Maybe that's the problem, maybe it was too good, and people got jealous. Remember the old director of the movie, Hernando Rivers, he wanted to take his name off of it! Maybe he got so jealous, he got some Chuck Norris masks, and is trying to kill me!  
  
Colonel- Let's go!  
  
  
Hernando River's House, 11: 56 P.M.  
  
  
Snake- Hello? Is anybody here?  
  
Hernando- Ugghh....  
  
Snake- Hernando!! You've been stabbed!  
  
Hernando- Snake...you...must...look...at...the....sc....Uggghhh...  
  
Snake- First Screech, and now Hernando. There seems to be a lot of death happening around me.  
  
Colonel- Sorry I'm late Snake, I was watching Antiques Roadshow wh- OH MY GOD, ANOTHER CORPSE!  
  
Snake- Yeah, he was stabbed in the back too, just like Dustin. We got a killer on our hands Colonel, and he seems to be wiping out people that can help us solve the case.  
  
Colonel- So, we must be getting closer to the truth.  
  
Snake- Exactly. Let's split up and search the house, Hernando must've known something the killer's don't want us to know.  
  
Colonel- Ok, you take downstairs, I'll take upstairs.  
  
  
Hernando's Office, 12: 02 A.M.  
  
  
Snake- Hmmm...this place is a mess...looks like the killer searched it. sniff Hey, what's that smell. Smells like burnt toast. Uh-Oh, I think I have a tumour in my head...No wait, it is the smell of burnt toast. Someone must've recently burned something in here. And it looks like it might be in the fireplace.  
  
Colonel- Hey Snake, what's all the commotion. I could hear you sniffing from upstairs.  
  
Snake- Look what I found Colonel, this burnt piece of paper in the fireplace. And I can slightly read it...  
  
Colonel- What's it say?  
  
Snake- It seems to be a movie script. Here, take a look:  
  
  
  
INT- A BEACH  
  
BIGGIE- Come on Buggie, let's get this dune buggie across the border.  
  
BUGGIE- Yeah, let's roll this sucker!  
  
SCREECH- I don't know guys...what if the cops are watching!  
  
  
  
Snake- Interesting...Very interesting....Fantabustically Zabzoobazidly Interesting...  
  
Colonel- Snake, this clue makes no sense.  
  
Snake- Maybe not to you, but to me it does. With this, I can solve the case.  
  
Colonel- What? How!?  
  
Snake- I can't tell you here. Meet me tomorrow morning, then we'll go catch the killers!  
  
  
  
To be concluded...  
  
In: Act IV: Le Grande Finale 


	4. Act IV: Le Grande Finale

Act IV: Le Grande Finale  
  
Snake's Apartment, 10:30 A.M.  
  
Colonel- Well Snake, I came like you asked me to.  
  
Snake- What? What the hell are you talking about?  
  
Colonel- Remember, you asked me to come here, because you solved the recent incidents.  
  
Snake- Oh, right. Yeah, let's go solve it, but first I have to eat some cereal.  
  
Colonel- Snake, I think the case is more important.  
  
Snake- No, Captain Crunch is. If I don't eat in the morning, I'm usually cranky the rest of the day, and then I usually shoot someone in anger.  
  
Colonel- Fine. Eat your damn cereal. Then we'll go.  
  
The Big Meeting Room in Otacon's Apartment, 11:56  
  
Snake- Ahem. Hello everyone, I'm Snake. As you may know, during the past few days I've been investigating a mystery. Now, to get you all up to speed, I'll have Colonel here explain it all.  
  
Colonel- Thanks Snake. Ok everyone, last Muesday, Snake was attacked in a glowing alleyway by a man wearing a Chuck Norris mask outside the enema clinic. After that, he woke up in a dumpster, and then walked out into the street. On the street, he was attacked by two men wearing Chuck Norris masks. During the next little while, me and Snake began to investigate. We discovered that Dustin Diamond was at the clinic, and was killed there the night of the attack, and no one noticed. We followed Dustin's connection to a movie studio, where Snake was visited by a shadowy figure who told him that the truth of this whole matter involved the Metal Gear movies. Snake decided to go talk to Hernando Rivers, the man who directed the 2nd Metal Gear movie. When we got there, Hernando was dead and we found a mysterious burned script.  
  
Snake- Thank you Colonel, that's enough. Now everyone, I'm sure you're curious to how I figured out this crime. I'm sure all of you have had some theories, and I'm sure they're all terribly wrong. So I, the great Snake, will solve this crime for you. Ahem.  
  
My first major clue was when that freak Raiden told me his part of the story.  
  
"Well...you got out of the dumpster and walked onto the street. Before I knew it, two men wearing Chuck Norris masks walk up behind you, and begin beating you up with these strange purple bats. I didn't want them to stop horribly beating you, so I stood in the shadows and watched."  
  
See, purple bats. I knew to take note of it, because it was very peculiar. My next major clue came from the enema clinic list of guests.  
  
"Mueday Guest Lists  
  
Otacon 6:30 P.M. Revolver Ocelot 7:15 P.M. Otacon 8:00 P.M. Bill Cosby 9:00 P.M. ALF 9:45 P.M. Biggie Bandit 10:15 P.M. Dustin Diamond 10:35 P.M. Otacon 11:00 P.M. Colonel 11:02 P.M."  
  
Notice anything unusual? I certainly did. No, while Otacon going to the enema clinic three times in one night is unusual, it's not the clue I'm talking about. I'll come back to this later, it plays a major part in the solution.  
  
Now, the clue that basically broke this thing opened for me was the script at Hernando's house. Hernando was working on a new film, and this new film starred Dustin Diamond. Trust me on this one. And it's not the Saved by the Bell movie either. Here, look at this list of movies being filmed at the studio:  
  
"Film ------- Dr. Machiko's Wild Ride - Studio 8 Horrorland- Studio 16 Jaws 9: Jaws Jr. - Studio 9 Moogilla - Studio 3 Horse Radish 2 - Studio 2 Dune Buggie Bandits - Studio 4 Saved by the Bell: The Movie - Studio 15 Pepsi Presents: Citizen Kane 2 - Studio 20"  
  
Hmmm...I noticed something quickly that help prove my theory. Look at the names carefully.  
  
Now, look at this, I knew that the killers had to kill Hernando for a reason, and I know why. The reason, was the script. This script was the movie Hernando was filming, and the film that ties this all together. Just look at this piece of the script we found:  
  
INT- A BEACH  
  
BIGGIE- Come on Buggie, let's get this dune buggie across the border.  
  
BUGGIE- Yeah, let's roll this sucker!  
  
SCREECH- I don't know guys...what if the cops are watching!  
  
Look, Dustin Diamond was in this film, playing his loveable character Screech from Saved by the Bell. But wait, look at the other two names of the script...seem familiar...they should!  
  
And now, here's something that should help tie it together. During the investigation, I talked to the owner of the theatre in town. And here's the big bombshell that blew the case wide open for me:  
  
"Well...I got a note from his studio company about a week ago, he's making a movie called "Dune Buggie Bandits" and he wanted to know if my theatre would show it. I told him no, who'd pay to see a Chuck Norris movie."  
  
Look at the name...Dune Buggie Bandits...The name Buggie was in the script. Fernando was directing Dune Buggie Bandits at the studio which starred Dustin Diamond and Chuck Norris. You see, three men were supposed to attack me that night: Dustin Diamond, Chuck Norris, and someone else. But something went wrong, and Dustin ended up dead. But before we find out why Dustin was killed, let's discover who this mysterious third attacker is. It's really quite simple to find out who actually, he's my mortal enemy, I got a pretty good clue right from Colonel:  
  
"While I was reading the newspaper, they talked about Burt Reynold's new movie. It really made me mad, because, I hate the guy. They said his new movie's about robbers or something, probaly just another Smokie and the Bandits rip-off."  
  
And there it is. Burt Reynolds was the other co-star in the movie. Him, Chuck Norris, and Dustin Diamond all came to the clinic that one day and tried to kill me. How do I know they were there? Look at the list of guests at the clinic that day. One of them is "Buggie Bandit", Burt Reynold's character in the film. He used a fake name at the clinic. So know that I cracked the case, there's still one thing left: Why did they do it? Come on everyone, let's go to Chuck Norris's house.  
  
Chuck Norris's Box, 11:56 A.M.  
  
Chuck Norris- Uh...hello?  
  
Angry Mob- WHY DID YOU DO IT! WHY DID YOU DO IT!  
  
Chuck Norris- Hey, why is this angry mob here? I didn't do anything.  
  
Snake- The jig is up Chuck, I know what you did. You Burt Reynold's and Dustin Diamond all came to kill me that one day. So ahem I believe you should start going to jail now.  
  
Chuck- Damn you Snake, how did you find out! I even killed Dustin so he wouldn't squeal! And Fernando!  
  
Snake- Yeah, but instead of stabbing everyone, you shouldn't have left a trail of clues.  
  
Chuck- Grrr...so I guess you've got this all figured out.  
  
Snake- Not everything. The question is, why did you do all of this?  
  
Chuck- Well Snake, as you know, "Dune Buggie Bandits" was going to be my next big hit. But something went wrong, our studio suddenly said they wouldn't release the picture because you Snake, own the rights to any movie featuring the word "Dune Buggie" in the title.  
  
Snake- I do?  
  
Chuck- Yes, when you made the Metal Gear movie, you signed a contract to own any film with the word "Dune Buggie" in the title.  
  
Snake- Then why didn't you just ask me if you could make the movie.  
  
Chuck- Well, we thought of doing that, but we decided it'd just be easier to kill you.  
  
Snake- Well, it looks this is all settled. Okay coppers, take this guy away.  
  
Chuck- What about Burt? Aren't you taking him away too?  
  
Snake- I'd like to, but he's already far away in his space in his spaceship.  
  
  
  
The Burtmobile (Burt Reynold's Spaceship), 3:00 P.M.  
  
Burt- Mwahahaha. You may have escaped my clutches this time Snake, but I will be back....and I will kill you! Mwahahahahaha cough I really have to stop all the evil laughing.  
  
  
  
Snake will be back in:  
  
Case #2: The Case of the Burt Reynold's Pie 


	5. Case 2: The Burt Reynolds Pie

The Case of the Burt Reynolds Pie  
  
  
Act I- Pie Another Day  
  
  
Snake- It all started yesterday at 10:25 P.M., when I was walking home from the annual chili eating competion. It was a quiet night, a night where danger and mystery like to lurk around and cause mischief. A night where horror and crime fight like a pack of wild flaming cougars. A night like-  
  
Otacon- Snake, shut up and continue with the story.  
  
Snake- Well, I was walking down the street when all of a sudden I see Burt Reynold's far ahead in the distance, standing in a dark alleyway. Before I could run up to him and punch him in the face, I see a knife reach out of the alleyway shadows and stab him in the chest. He fell to the ground with red liquid coming out of his stomach, and a loud scream pierced the air. I ran across the darkened street and into the dank, dark alleyway. But the body wasn't there. All that was on the ground where Burt Reynold's fell, was a pie. Apple pie to be exact. I'm not sure what happened, but this sounds like an intriguing mystery.  
  
Colonel- Snake, I know what really happened.   
  
Snake- No you don't.  
  
Colonel- Yes, I do. I was there Snake...I was the man wearing the flower pot on his head?  
  
Snake- What the hell are you talking about?  
  
Colonel- I was heading to the flowerpot convention when I hear this scream. I turn around to see Snake heading into the alley, this is at about 10:28 P.M. As I go to follow him, I notice a red dot on the back of Snake's neck. I look up to see a man in a window with a sniper rifle in his hands. I grabbed the flower pot off my head, and threw it at the sniper rifle. The figure in the window let out a strange howling that sounded like a dog, and he dropped the sniper rifle. I caught it, and ran away. I saved your life Snake.  
  
Snake- Wow...that's pretty wicked cool.  
  
Colonel- Wicked cool? What the hell is that?  
  
Snake- I don't know, but it sounds wicked neat.  
  
Otacon- Snake, I need to talk to you. Privately.  
  
Snake- Uhhh...ok. Colonel, leave.  
  
Colonel- Sure, whatever.  
  
Otacon- Snake, I found something out about this mysterious case.  
  
Snake- What?  
  
Otacon- I was talking to one of my sources, and he says there's a new gang in town. Two members, who are planning to kill you and steal your script for the Metal Gear 3 movie!  
  
Snake- Really. I bet you the man who stabbed Burt Reynold's, and the man with the sniper rifle are the killers.  
  
Otacon- I think you're right Snake. I'll keep poking around the streets, see if I can find anything out. Until then, be careful Snake.  
  
Snake- Hey Colonel.  
  
Colonel- Yeah?  
  
Snake- Let's go check out the crime scene, see if we can find any leads.  
  
Colonel- I'm not coming Snake. "Blame it on the Monkey" is on, and I never miss an episode. NEVER! I love shows about monkeys that slap people.  
  
Snake- Ok, whatever.  
  
  
Waltnut Street, 10:20 P.M.  
  
  
Snake- Hmmm...this is where it all went down. There's the alleyway, but I searched that already. I want to find that window where Colonel saw the sniper.  
  
Raiden- Hi Snake.  
  
Snake- Raiden? What do you want?  
  
Raiden- I thought you'd want to know what window the sniper was looking out of.  
  
Snake- How do you know about the sniper?  
  
Raiden- Well, I was there that night. I was the guy hiding in the phone booth.  
  
Snake- Why?  
  
Raiden- Trust me, you don't want to know why.  
  
Snake- Uhhh...ok...So where was this sniper?  
  
Raiden- In that window, in that hotel.  
  
Snake- Ok, I'll go check it out.  
  
  
Room 101, 10:21 P.M.  
  
  
Snake- So this is the room where the sniper was staying. There's some bullets here by the window. And it looks like somebody moved the TV, it's right here by the window too. Wait a minute! The sniper rifle is under the bed, looks like this is the right room for sure. Hmmm...a TV guide is beside it, let's look what was playing on the night of the stabbing.  
  
  
Tonight on SBC  
============  
The Radish Game 9:00-9:30 P.M.  
Biography: Count Chocula 9:30-10:20 P.M.  
Blame it on the Monkey! 10:20 P.M.- 11:00 P.M.  
Chunky McChunkster Jr. 11:00 P.M.- 3:00 A.M.  
The Burt Reynold's Show3:00 A.M.- 4:00 A.M.  
  
  
Snake- The Burt Reynold's Show? This sounds like a clue...I think I'll pay a little visit to the SBC Studios tomorrow.  
  
  
  
To be Continued...  
  
  
Next time: Act II- Truth and Pies 


	6. Act II: Truth and Pies

Act II- Truth and Pies  
  
  
SBC Studios, 9:00 AM  
  
  
Snake- Hi, I'm Snake. I'm here to ask about The Burt Reynold's Show.  
  
President of SBC- Well, what do you want to know?  
  
Snake- I was wondering if I could talk to Mr. Reynold's?  
  
President of SBC- I'm sorry. He's a very busy man.  
  
Snake- Well, I think he may be dead.  
  
President of SBC- Dead? That's ridiculous.  
  
Snake- Well, two days ago I saw him being stabbed in an alleyway. When I went to see his body, it was gone, and a pie was in it's place.  
  
President of SBC- This is horrible, you spreading lies like this.  
  
Snake- Then answer me this: has Burt been to the studios in the past few days?  
  
President of SBC- Well...no. But he's not supposed to be, he's on vacation.  
  
Snake- Vacation?  
  
President of SBC- Yes. In the Bahamas.  
  
Snake- Interesting. When did he leave for the trip?  
  
President of SBC- Last Muesday.  
  
Snake- Then that means...who was the man I saw getting stabbed?  
  
President of SBC- I'm not sure, so please leave, I'm a busy man.  
  
Snake- One more question. Is The Burt Reynold's show showing repeats?  
  
President of SBC- No. New episodes.  
  
Snake- How? Burt's gone.  
  
President of SBC- We've got a replacement host. Chuck Norris.  
  
Snake- Norris!? I need to speak to him immediately!  
  
  
Studio 8, 9:40 AM  
  
  
Snake- So Chuck, if that is your real name, why did you try to kill me?  
  
Chuck- Uhhh....what?  
  
Snake- First you stab Reynolds, then you hire a sniper to shoot me.  
  
Chuck- I don't know what you're talking about. I'm a reformed man now, after they let me out of prison, I've been good.  
  
Snake- That's a lie, no criminal's ever get reformed, they're all scumbags!  
  
Chuck- Weren't you in prison?  
  
Snake- Shut up, I'm reformed.   
  
Chuck- Sure you were, scumbag.  
  
Snake- Ok, that's enough Chuck. I'm taking you down to the jail right now.  
  
Chuck- Wait! I can help you.  
  
Snake- How?  
  
Chuck- Ok. Before he left, Burt told me to give you this note in case you ever came by,  
  
Snake- Really?  
  
Chuck- Yes. Here it is.  
  
  
  
Dear Snake  
  
If you're reading this, then it means I'm dead. I must warn you, you're in grave danger. I've already went into hiding in the Bahama's but I don't think it's enough. I only have one more thing to tell you: I have an informant, he lives at the Sunshine Dump. Meet him there, he can help you.  
  
Your enemy, Burt Reynolds  
  
  
Snake- Hmmm...Chuck, do you know where the Sunshine Dump is?  
  
Chuck- Sure. That's where I pick out all mu furniture.  
  
Snake- Good. I want you to drive me there, right now.  
  
  
  
The Sunshine Dump, 10:35 AM  
  
  
Snake- Ok Chuck, take a look around.  
  
Chuck- Hey Snake, there's someone up the-  
  
Mysterious Sniper- Die Snake!  
  
Snake- Wahhhh!  
  
Mysterious Sniper- Damn, out of bullets. I'LL BE BACK SNAKE!  
  
Snake- Chuck, are you ok?  
  
Chuck- No, ughhh...  
  
Snake- Chuck? CHHHUUUUUCCCKKK!  
  
  
  
Snake's Apartment, 12:03 PM  
  
  
Snake- I'm stumped Colonel. I have no leads.  
  
Colonel- Don't be so sure.  
  
Snake- Why?  
  
Colonel- Revolver Ocelot's here, he says he can help you.  
  
Snake- Aw great, I told you not to give him directions to my house. Now he's going to come in here and take all the food in my fridge.  
  
Revolver- Snake, I have to tell you something.  
  
Snake- What is it Revolver.  
  
Revolver- Two days ago, the day you saw the stabbing, I saw Burt Reynolds!  
  
Snake- Where!  
  
Revolver- He went into Milton's, you know the bakery.  
  
Snake- Great. I'll go check it out.  
  
  
  
Milton's Bakery, 12: 56 PM  
  
  
Snake- Milton, did Burt Reynold's come in here 2 days ago?  
  
Milton- Uhhh...yeah, yeah he did.   
  
Snake- Did he buy anything?  
  
Milton- No, he had to use the bathroom.   
  
Snake- Damn. Did anyone come in here with him?  
  
Milton- Uhhh...no. But someone came in a few seconds after he entered the bathroom. A man wearing a fake mustache, I couldn't tell who it was.  
  
Snake- Do you have cameras in here?  
  
Milton- No, but I make everyone sign a list whenever they come in here.  
  
Snake- Why?  
  
Milton- I don't know, it makes this job more interesting.  
  
Snake- Can I see the list?  
  
Milton- Yeah, I guess.  
  
  
  
Customer List  
---------------  
Jackie Shooster- 2 Blueberry Pies  
Marlon Brando- 96 Loaves of Bread  
Burt Reynolds- Bathroom  
Cool Len- 1 Apple Pie  
Sean Cole- 1 Apple Pie, 2 loaves of bread  
Horrace Tockinton- 12 Muffins  
Brant Googala- Nothing  
  
  
  
Snake- Hmmm...Cool Len and Sean Cole both bought apple pies.   
  
Milton- Cool Len was the guy in the mustace. I don't know who he is.  
  
Snake- What about Sean Cole?  
  
Milton- He lives down the road. I can give you the address.  
  
Snake- I'll go pay him a visit. See if he stabbed anybody lately.  
  
  
  
To be Continued...  
  
  
Nex time: Act III- Pie Hard 2: Pie Harder 


	7. Act III: Pie Hard 2: Pie Harder

Act III- Pie Hard 2: Pie Harder  
  
  
  
Sean Cole's Home, 1:30 PM  
  
  
Snake- Mr. Cole, I need to ask some questions.  
  
Sean- Ok.  
  
Snake- Did you stab Burt Reynold's lately?  
  
Sean- No. I didn't.  
  
Snake- Are you sure?  
  
Sean- Positive.  
  
Snake- Ok then. When you went to the bakery yesterday, did you see anything unusual?  
  
Sean- Hmmm...yes, a guy with this horrible fake mustache. I mean, I could have killed a rat, taped that rat to my face, and I'd have a more realistic mustache.  
  
Snake- What was so odd about the mustace?  
  
Sean- Well, it was bright yellow, had the words "MASKCO STORE" written on it in huge bold letters, and the glue was actually leaking through the hair.  
  
Snake- MASKCO? That must've been where he bought it.   
  
  
MASKCO Novelty Store, 2:18 PM  
  
  
Snake- Hi, I'm Snake. I need to ask about a customer.  
  
Manager- Ok.  
  
Snake- In the past week, has anyone bought a bright yellow, extremely ugly mask?  
  
Manager- Of course. That's our most popular item.   
  
Snake- Damn. Is there anyway I can find out who bought them, like a list or something?  
  
Manager- Why would I keep a list of all my customers, that's stupid. Whoever does that, is an idiot.  
  
Snake- Hmmm...Do you know a man named Cool Len?  
  
Manager- That name sounds familiar...  
  
Snake- I believe he bought a mask here.  
  
Manager- Oh, of course! I remember him, he came in three days ago. Strange looking man, he was wearing this gigantic fake nose, had pirate patches on both of his eyes, and was wearing a mask over his mouth.   
  
Snake- Wow, this guy really likes costumes. He must be hiding his identitty for a reason...  
  
Manager- You know, he also gave me a business card. He said he was working on a movie, and told me to call him if I got in some fake metal, because he needed some for props. Here, take the card.  
  
  
Cool Len  
555-6667  
Diamaco Movie Studios  
"We put the Fun in CommuFUNism"  
  
  
  
Snake- Fun in commufunism? Wow, that's a bad one.  
  
  
Diamaco Movie Studios, 6:02 PM  
  
  
Sinclaire- Snake, I thought I told you I don't know who attacked you in the alleyway.  
  
Snake- This is a different case Sinclaire, I'm looking for Cool Len.  
  
Sinclaire- Sorry, I don't know who that is.  
  
Snake- Are you sure? He wears horrible costumes, and has a terrible business card.  
  
Sinclaire- Nope, he doesn't work here. I'd remember a name like "Cool Len", it's such a bad name.  
  
Snake- What movies are in production right now?  
  
Sinclaire- Here, have the list.  
  
  
Current Productions  
------------------  
Kangaroo Jack 2- Studio 1  
Mr. T saves Washington- Studio 2  
Rockin' Rambo- Studio 3  
Jibba' Jabba'- Studio 4  
Monkey King- Studio 5  
Monkey King goes to Summer Camp- Studio 6  
Peter Pan and Suicidal Sally- Studio 7  
Metal Gear Solid 3- Studio 8  
Stutter Rap: The Movie- Studio 9  
E.T. 2: Elliot's Revenge- Studio 10  
  
  
Snake- Metal Gear Solid 3?   
  
Sinclaire- Yeah, we started filming a week ago. It's about Raiden going into the future to stop Hitler who has created an army of baby hitlers.   
  
Snake- But I'm not in it! It's my movie!  
  
Sinclaire- Well, we replaced you with Raiden. He asks for a lot less money.  
  
Snake- That bastard! I'm going down there right now.  
  
  
Studio 9, 6:15 PM  
  
  
Snake- Ok, I'm shutting this thing down.  
  
Raiden- Snake, you can't do that.   
  
Snake- And why not, I own the Metal Gear movie rights.  
  
Colonel- I'm afraid not Snake, a mysterious man named Cool Len bought the rights.  
  
Snake- Cool Len! That sneaky bastard. I guess he couldn't kill me, so he just bought the rights himself.  
  
Colonel- You're right! We have to stop him.   
  
Snake- I don't need to stop him, I just need to call the police. I already know who he is.  
  
Raiden- What? How!?  
  
Snake- The clues, Raiden. The clues tell all.  
  
Colonel- Then who is it?  
  
Snake- I'll tell you all tomorrow. Until then, I don't want anyone to work on this movie.  
  
  
  
To be Concluded....  
  
In: Act IV: Thy Mystery hasth beenth Solved 


	8. Act IV: Thy Mystery hasth beenth Solved

Act IV: Thy Mystery hasth beenth Solved  
  
  
Police Station, 9:40 AM  
  
  
Snake- Hello everyone.  
  
Colonel- Why did you all call us here Snake, we have to go start filming Metal Gear Solid 3 in an hour.  
  
Snake- There will be no more filming. I'm going to arrest this "Cool Len" today.  
  
Raiden- How? We don't know who he is.  
  
Snake- On the contrary, we do. It's all so obvious Raiden.  
  
Raiden- No, actually it isn't.  
  
Snake- Well, then you're stupid. It was obvious to me.   
  
Revolver Ocelot- Please explain it to us Snake, because it's obvious we're all inferior to your detective abilities.  
  
Snake- Yes, you are all inferior. But since I feel sorry for you, let me explain. First of all, I think we all realize there are two people involved in the crime. What most of you don't realize, is that Burt Reynold's himself was one of these two men.  
  
Raiden- Not really. It was actually pretty obvious.  
  
Snake- Oh. Well, Burt Reynold's wasn't the mastermind behind this one, actually, he didn't really have anything to do. "Cool Len" approached Burt Reynolds and asked him if he wanted to help kill me. Burt, being the psycho he is, accepted. His job was to pretend to stab himself, put an apple pie on the ground, and then escape. I was supposed to look at this pie, and then I was supposed to be shot by the sniper.  
  
Colonel- Wow, that's amazing Snake.  
  
Snake- Oh, we better get this out of the way right now. Chief, arrest Colonel for attempted murder.  
  
Chief- Ok Snake.  
  
Colonel- What? What's going on, I didn't do anything!  
  
Snake- Actually, you did. "Cool Len" is an anagram of the word Colonel, and a poor anagram at that. As soon as I saw the name, I knew it was yours.  
  
Colonel- B-But, maybe someone else mixed up my name, to cast suspicion on me.  
  
Snake- I don't think so Colonel. You told me you never missed an episode of the television show "Blame it on the Monkey." While investigating the hotel room, I discovered this TV Guide:  
  
  
Tonight on SBC  
============  
The Radish Game 9:00-9:30 P.M.  
Biography: Count Chocula 9:30-10:20 P.M.  
Blame it on the Monkey! 10:20 P.M.- 11:00 P.M.  
Chunky McChunkster Jr. 11:00 P.M.- 3:00 A.M.  
The Burt Reynold's Show 3:00 A.M.- 4:00 A.M.  
  
  
Blame it on the Monkey is on 10:20-11:00 P.M. If you recall, I told you all that it was 10:25 P.M when I saw Burt pretending to stab himself. But since Blame it on the Monkey was on, Colonel was too distracted watching it to shoot me. That's the only reason I'm still alive today.  
  
Colonel- B-B-But...  
  
Snake- And, one more thing. When I first told Colonel what happened, he let out this strange remark:  
  
  
"I grabbed the flower pot off my head, and threw it at the sniper rifle. The figure in the window let out a strange howling that sounded like a dog, and he dropped the sniper rifle. I caught it, and ran away. I saved your life Snake."  
  
  
Snake- Colonel says the sniper dropped the rifle, yet I found it in the hotel room under the bed. You lied to me about that so that I wouldn't suspect you, but in the end it just cast more suspicion on you.  
  
Colonel-Grrrr....Damn you Snake! I thought I could kill you and make a good Metal Gear Solid Movie! All the ones you made sucked horribly! I managed to buy the rights to the movie under the name Cool Len, but I knew you'd still eventually find out, so I told Burt Reynolds to give Chuck Noris that letter. When you went to the garbage dump, I was supposed to shoot you, but that jerk Chuck Norris got in the way and I shot him instead.   
  
Snake- Well, it looks like the bad guy was caught by the guy trying to catch him. How ironic.  
  
Colonel- This isn't over Snake, you don't know how deep this thing runs!  
  
Snake- What are you talking about?  
  
Colonel- I'm just the pawn in their game, they're telling me what to do. With me in jail, they're just going to send more after you.  
  
Snake- Who are they!?  
  
Colonel- Ha. I will never tell you. Let's just say, you shouldn't trust anyone. Mwahahahahahaha.   
  
Snake- Take him away.  
  
Chief- Whatever.  
  
Colonel- Hey, will my prison cell have a air hockey table in it?  
  
Chief- No.  
  
Colonel- NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!  
  
Snake- Hmmmm...that was bizarre. I wonder what this conspiracy is about? Colonel said someone's giving him orders, I wonder who? First, I'm attacked in an alleyway, then Colonel's ordered to snipe me? I bet you both of these attacks were from this mysterious mastermind! I'm getting close to cracking this conspiracy, but there's still more to be learned...  
  
  
  
Trilogy to be Concluded in...  
  
  
Case #3: The Case of the Mysterious Mastermind 


End file.
